this semester i am taking sixteen credit hours and four of my five classes are part of my major [meaning they are mostly fun]. i love my profs, the freshman on my floor are great and i love living with my roommates. sadly, this semester i am not working in the theatre because of my classes. i just wouldnt have time to give my all to it AND my classes let alone time to keep myself sane till christmas [probably not even till mid october].
but im in a pickle. a pickle i have never tasted before....and its definitely not bread and butter. for the first time i have felt quite unsatisfied with where i am in my life.
i just am not happy. well i take that back. i am happy. i am blessed beyond belief to be able to go to this school, be surrounded by amazing people, have the opportunity to study what i love and have an amazing support group of friends and family. i guess i should put it this way....i am not thriving. i dont have joy in my studies like i did last year. i miss theatre. it was [and still is] my sanctuary, my hiding place, the space i would go to to express myself and practice one of my passions. i feel like a part of me is missing.
something that has held me back is my lack of confidence in my abilities as a filmmaker. im scared to volunteer for projects because i dont want to mess up. i know making mistakes is part of learning but i dont want to possibly ruin someone's project. i am confident in who i am as a person/individual, have always been, but my below healthy confidence has crippled my ability to get ahead and expand my horizons all because im scared. and this semester it has a hold on me even more i think.
another part of me that i know is lacking that is contributing to this unfulfilling spirit is my faith. or the lack of a seeking faith. yes i am a believer in jesus christ and all that he has done for me. but it is hard for me to actively seek after him. i am horrid with establishing a routine for bible reading and even prayer. i hear my friends' stories about their experiences/encounters with christ, read their blogs about discernment and hearing god's voice, and see their joy in life and honestly i long for that.
i dont know why i am writing this. maybe to get it out so i can sleep or what not. oh well. welcome to a bit of my thought process at the current moment.